In my last post I shared that we are dealing with infertility. At least, infertility by society and medical timelines. And by mindset.
We have absolutely decided not to pursue any fertility treatments at this time.
Part of the journey to get tested and get answers was due to being lost in life. Not knowing what our immediate future was holding. Or even our far out future.
Since realizing that there are no medical explanations for why we have not yet conceived, life has been easier and more free.
I’ve also found more direction in life than I’ve had in a long time.
You see, the past year and a half has been spent living to get pregnant. Stressing about all the do’s and don’ts, should’s and should not’s. Reading all the articles that tell me what to avoid and how to go perfectly into the trying to conceive journey. Hearing friends tell me that maybe I don’t have enough fat on my body to conceive. Worrying about letting family down because they were expecting us to have a baby. Not fitting in with different groups of friends because we don’t have kids. Getting the evil eye for being married more than a year, more than two years and not having children yet.
In the past couple of weeks, my world has been turned upside down and right-side up.
I was so focused on living for getting pregnant and having a baby and being the perfect mother-to-be, I actually lost myself in the process. I couldn’t see it at the time, but now I do.
Everything I was working on to grow who I am, wasn’t actually doing as much as I thought. I wasn’t focused on me. I was focused on the not yet real.
In the past couple of weeks, I cried, I panicked, I felt even more lost, then I felt free. So much emotion, so much direction.
I am no longer living to conceive. I am not focused on tracking every little symptom. I am not focused on having the perfect amount of body fat or the perfect diet. I’m not focused on what will happen within the nine months ahead of me if I conceive this month. I’m not focused on what I need to do right now if I am in the two week wait.
I am focused on me. I am focused on us. I want to grow and learn to be unapologetically me. I talk about this and I inspire you to be this person. But I was so focused on conceiving, I wasn’t focused on it fully for myself.
After talking it out, multiple times, and crying it out with Eddie (rest assured, Eddie was not crying), we have come up with the goals and dreams that we are focusing on.
Eddie – he is the simple one. He is continuing to focus on work and advancing himself. He wants to keep working on the basement and our renovations as we can. He loves tinkering and will keep doing so. Luckily, even though this does affect him, it wasn’t as bad as it was for me. Men…..they get it WAY easier.
Me – I am focusing on me and Eddie. I am growing emotionally and physically. I am living unapologetically me. I am no longer letting myself worry about the what ifs of conceiving or what people may think about me. I am being me. I am focusing on my business. I am tired of other people determining my value and assigning a salary based on that. I have the goal to grow my business and quit corporate employment in December 2017. That is my goal. If I don’t quite hit it, I will keep working towards it and set a new one. I want to grow my business in helping others change their lives. I know that I have been called to do so and that there are others like me who need someone to show them the love that I have to give. I am letting myself go to workout as I want and as hard as I want. I want to gain strength and continue to tone the damage I did for so many years. I am going to enjoy the process and not worry about it.
We know that God has plans for us. I fully believe that I am finally understanding part of His plan. God is directing me to fully find me before He gives us a tiny human to care for. We need our own identify before we have children. I appreciate this journey because I don’t want to be defined only by my children.
God has a plan, this I believe. We believe that His plan for us does include children. We just don’t know when and we are okay with that.
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6
Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4