Live for Me, Live for Us

In my last post I shared that we are dealing with infertility. At least, infertility by society and medical timelines. And by mindset.

We have absolutely decided not to pursue any fertility treatments at this time.

Part of the journey to get tested and get answers was due to being lost in life. Not knowing what our immediate future was holding. Or even our far out future.

Since realizing that there are no medical explanations for why we have not yet conceived, life has been easier and more free.

I’ve also found more direction in life than I’ve had in a long time.

You see, the past year and a half has been spent living to get pregnant. Stressing about all the do’s and don’ts, should’s and should not’s. Reading all the articles that tell me what to avoid and how to go perfectly into the trying to conceive journey. Hearing friends tell me that maybe I don’t have enough fat on my body to conceive. Worrying about letting family down because they were expecting us to have a baby. Not fitting in with different groups of friends because we don’t have kids. Getting the evil eye for being married more than a year, more than two years and not having children yet.

In the past couple of weeks, my world has been turned upside down and right-side up.

I was so focused on living for getting pregnant and having a baby and being the perfect mother-to-be, I actually lost myself in the process. I couldn’t see it at the time, but now I do.

Everything I was working on to grow who I am, wasn’t actually doing as much as I thought. I wasn’t focused on me. I was focused on the not yet real.

In the past couple of weeks, I cried, I panicked, I felt even more lost, then I felt free. So much emotion, so much direction.

I am no longer living to conceive. I am not focused on tracking every little symptom. I am not focused on having the perfect amount of body fat or the perfect diet. I’m not focused on what will happen within the nine months ahead of me if I conceive this month. I’m not focused on what I need to do right now if I am in the two week wait.

I am focused on me. I am focused on us. I want to grow and learn to be unapologetically me. I talk about this and I inspire you to be this person. But I was so focused on conceiving, I wasn’t focused on it fully for myself.

After talking it out, multiple times, and crying it out with Eddie (rest assured, Eddie was not crying), we have come up with the goals and dreams that we are focusing on.

Eddie – he is the simple one.  He is continuing to focus on work and advancing himself. He wants to keep working on the basement and our renovations as we can. He loves tinkering and will keep doing so. Luckily, even though this does affect him, it wasn’t as bad as it was for me. Men…..they get it WAY easier.

Me – I am focusing on me and Eddie. I am growing emotionally and physically. I am living unapologetically me. I am no longer letting myself worry about the what ifs of conceiving or what people may think about me. I am being me. I am focusing on my business. I am tired of other people determining my value and assigning a salary based on that. I have the goal to grow my business and quit corporate employment in December 2017. That is my goal. If I don’t quite hit it, I will keep working towards it and set a new one. I want to grow my business in helping others change their lives. I know that I have been called to do so and that there are others like me who need someone to show them the love that I have to give. I am letting myself go to workout as I want and as hard as I want. I want to gain strength and continue to tone the damage I did for so many years. I am going to enjoy the process and not worry about it.

We know that God has plans for us. I fully believe that I am finally understanding part of His plan. God is directing me to fully find me before He gives us a tiny human to care for. We need our own identify before we have children. I appreciate this journey because I don’t want to be defined only by my children.

God has a plan, this I believe. We believe that His plan for us does include children. We just don’t know when and we are okay with that.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

​When Life Doesn’t Go As Planned

At the beginning of 2015, we had this perfect plan for our lives. I was in a great job that I loved and was providing the necessary income to pull us out of debt, so was Eddie. ​We decided to start family planning by me no longer taking birth control pills and cleaning out my system for six months.

​Then the Endometriosis pain became unbearable and surgery was scheduled for May. Surgery came and went and we were ready to start. Then I got laid off because the company was cutting costs.

It took me 3 months to find a replacement job that was a drastic pay cut. The people were great, the job was good, the pay was not so good. But, it was better than nothing.

Oh and we are still trying to start our family.​

​We get through the holidays and have our niece up for Thanksgiving. We saw a Wednesday’s Child that touched my heart and our niece told us that she thought we would be great for the girl and that we should do it. This was our third prompting to become foster parents. So, after much discussion and deliberation, we started the process.

We finally got licensed in March, just in time to be considered for the girl. After receiving more details on her history, we knew it wouldn’t be the right fit for us or for her. We pulled our names.

Oh and we are still trying to start our family.​

We received a few other calls that weren’t the fit until one that we weren’t ready for and went all in for. He was a safe haven premature baby. We were up against another family who was selected because of her ability to take off 7 months to be with him. I was crushed.

At this point we decided since we have been trying for over a year to conceive without any success, we would get tested to see if there was anything medically wrong.

A lot of thought went into the decision to get tested. Originally, neither of us wanted to for another 6 months or so. But with my hormonal roller coasters and fatigue, we figured why not.

With the heartache of not being selected for the baby and my hormonal mess, we put foster care on hold and started the testing process.

We have finally come to the end of testing with the answer of unexplained infertility. The answer is that there is no answer. We both had great test results. 

​July was my worst month. And since then, I just felt like I didn’t know what to say to all of you. I felt as though I couldn’t connect because we weren’t sharing the process of testing. We wanted answers so we could make decisions before sharing with the world. We didn’t even tell family until last night.

Today we are in a good place. I have finally bounced back from July. Yes, it took me two months and a lot of focused self-development to get here.​ But we have answers and we have decisions.

Answer: You have to give birth control time to get out of your system.

Answer back to you: It has been 21 months since I stopped taking birth control pills. That is NOT the issue.

Answer​: ​We have no medical reasons why we cannot get conceive. ​

Decision: Carry on as usual.

Answer: We can take hormonal prescriptions to assist the changes.

Decision: Mmmm, the jury is still out on that, but it probably won’t happen right away, if it does.

Answer: As soon as we get a foster child, we’ll conceive.

Decision: Thank you for all of the well-wishes with this and the history with other families. We are actually keeping foster care on hold for the time being. We do not feel that it is fair to a child who needs stability to come into our home when we are unsure of our future and there could be crazy hormonal mood swings (if we decide to do that). We came to the point that God has brought us and we feel this is the best decision right now.

Moving Forward

As we move forward, we believe with all our hearts that God does have a family planned for us. His plans are just different than our plans. We are perfectly okay with this.

To all my friends who are working to get pregnant or plan to soon, enjoy the process and please tell me when you are pregnant. I am a little different. I don’t get hurt or mad when others announce that they are expecting. I’m not going to lie, yes it was hard at first. We expected to be like the rest of his family and not take any time. So at first, I was jealous. I couldn’t see why others were getting what they wanted but we weren’t. I’m okay now. After a lot of prayer and a long process of learning that I’m not broken, I have no issues with it. Seriously. In fact, I have many friends who are actively trying and I pray for them every single day that they will be blessed with conceiving and I can’t wait for them to tell me that they are.

Now to the broken comment. Yes. Yes, I felt absolutely broken. Even after learning that there is nothing medically wrong with me, I felt broken. This has taken a lot of prayer and devotion to overcome. I feel confident that I am moving forward without the feeling of being broken. Being asked every month if I am pregnant yet, really made it difficult and aided in the feeling of being broken. I’ve come to terms with that. Yes, I will talk about it. Yes, you can ask, just not every month. 

On another note, I am still struggling with the fact that people in this world, and people close in blood relation, who should not have children, have been given children. Multiple children. Children that they abort. Children that they abuse. Children that they don’t raise with any manners or education. Yes, I struggle with this one. Especially knowing that I have a sibling who had an abortion when I would and could have taken the child. I still struggle with the ‘why them and not me’ feeling. I’m working really hard to get over this.

We are one of the 1 in 8 couples dealing with infertility. Since we are past a year, we are considered to be dealing with it. Ours happens to be unexplained. No, they don’t think my Endometriosis is a factor at the moment. No, my working out is not a factor. In fact, I have been going pretty light compared to what I want to do. No, alcohol isn’t a factor, I don’t usually even have 3 drinks a week anymore.​

There is a meme on Pinterest that says “I just wish that I knew with 100% certainty if I am ever going to have a baby or not so I could move on with my life.” I no longer feel that way. I did, for many months. I don’t. I have come to the point that I know I will be happy in life either way. Our conversation has not changed from “when” to “if”, it is still “when”.

Why Share Now?

I wanted to share this with you now because I know I am not the only one struggling. I am not the only one at this point in life. I want you to know that YOU are not alone. I am here to talk if you just need someone to talk.

Jesus replied, “You don’t understand now what I am doing but someday you will.” John 13:7


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I’ll show you the benefits of being a coach, how the business structure is set up so you can earn money, what resources are available to empower you as a coach, and you’ll get a insight view of Summit!

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Body Beast Week 1 & 2 Review

I was seriously worried about starting Body Beast because I didn’t think I was capable of it. The name of the program – Body Beast – scared me. It absolutely intimidated me. But I wanted to try it to say that I gave it a shot. 
What I didn’t know was how much I missed a workout that focused primarily  on weights. I also didn’t know how good it would make me feel, even when I overdid it. 

I decided to follow the schedule for rest days exactly as the schedule states instead of taking two days like I normally have been, so my workout days are not a standard Monday through Friday. 
Week l

The first week started off getting right into the thick of the workouts. I started on a Monday and the workouts wer 

  • Build: chest/tris
  • Build: legs
  • Build: back/bis
  • Beast:cardio and Beast:abs
  • Build: shoulders
  • Rest
  • Build: chest/tris

I started off thinking I was a badass and still could lift what I did with Hammer and Chisel. Well, not so much. I didn’t lose all of my strength and endurance but it wasn’t as awesome as it had been. So, I overdid it some. Primarily with my legs. I also was listening to my ego and used heavier weights than I should have. 

The workouts were well explained and Sagi did great at keeping me motivated. I didn’t notice how long some of the workouts were (38 to 50 minutes) because I was enjoying the work. When I’d come home from work and Eddie was doing the same workouts, I wanted to jump back in and do it again. 

Week 2

The week 2 workouts were:

  • Build: legs
  • Build: back/bis
  • Beast: cardio and Beast: abs
  • Build: shoulders
  • Rest
  • Build: chest/tris
  • Build: legs

The second week started with already having one workout day on Sunday and then continuing on Monday. This week I have Friday off and workout both Saturday and Sunday. This is going to be a little weird for me, but I think I’ll get more done on the weekend of I get my butt in gear with a workout first thing. 

If you haven’t noticed, these workouts are in the same order each week. I like it because I can remember what comes next a little easier. 

Overall

I’m really loving this workout and can feel that I’m building my endurance and strength. I already want to do the program over again even though I still have two and a half months. I know that as long as I don’t work too become overly ripped, I’ll just sculpt a beautiful, healthy body, which is what I want. 

Nutrition

The nutrition plan is all about macros and getting enough protein and healthy carbs to sustain the needs of your body while building more muscle. I’m not following it exactly to a T but I am getting even more protein and healthy carbs in my diet than I was. I noticed during the first week that I didn’t have enough carbs because my body powered  through the meat and vegetables that I was already eating. I got a little sluggish and dizzy at points (not while working out but rather at the end of the day), which is normal when I don’t have enough solid carbs. Bring on the sweet potatoes!! 

I’m excited for the next couple weeks and to see what changes I might see after just a month! I will be modifying the schedule with my travel to Summit next weekend but I’ll still workout the days that I am there. 

Rest a Minute!

Or for a week! Yep, I just said that! When you are training consistently for more than 8 weeks, your body needs a rest. I had been going for about 5 months without taking a rest longer than a couple days and I was definitely starting to feel it! It isn’t just your muscles that need a break. According to Bodybuilding.com, your nervous system also needs a break.

So, why do I need a break?

Well, the answer is simple, it helps your body heal from everything you’ve been doing. When you are training, your muscles experience small tears as well as minor strains, sprains and even joint pain. As for the nervous system, you might be finding that you are more tired, irritable, losing motivation to exercise, and even may feel weaker or get sick easier. You might get the feeling of being “stale” and not as focused.

Won’t I start to lose my conditioning and all that hard work?

Nope!! It takes more than just a week for that to happen. More like 3 to 4 weeks of total inactivity. That means you have to become pretty lazy to lose your conditioning and for your muscles to start atrophying.

What about my nutrition?

I highly recommend staying on plan and on track. It is much more difficult to get back into healthy eating. At least that is my experience. Don’t forget to still enjoy a cheat meal though, your metabolism needs that change to help it keep going. Maybe even throw in an extra! As long as you are eating clean while taking a week off, your scale shouldn’t go up. If it goes up 1-3 pounds, that is just the extra fluid and glycogen that your muscles are retaining which is not a bad thing!

So, take a rest and catch up on some extra sleep. But, don’t throw off your sleep schedule too much. In my experience (especially this week), throwing off my sleep schedule has made me more tired!!

The key is to train hard but also train smart. Give your body a rest and you will feel more refreshed, energized, and motivated to get back to it. And hey, you might even feel stronger!!

Since it has been so long since I took a break, I’m giving myself 2 weeks. Or at least I’m trying to 🙂

Who Am I?

I feel like I’ve been battling this question a lot over the past month. We have a lot going on in our lives right now and my mind has been spinning and spinning and spinning.

To start off, June marks one year of us trying to get pregnant. Once it hit, I was overcome by a wave of emotions I wasn’t prepared for. The biggest is that I’m a failure and I’m letting family and most importantly Eddie down because I haven’t gotten pregnant within society’s normal timeline. I was letting this eat at me and fester and just build to the point of breakdown. It was so much of what I was focusing on that I didn’t know how to focus on anything else.

In my breakdown, I finally opened up to Eddie about it. I told him how I feel and he really brought me back down to Earth. I don’t know why I didn’t open up sooner. Oh but I do – it is my norm to bury things inside and not talk because I don’t want to burden anyone.

We are still of the mind that we aren’t ready to start testing. We want to live our life and just let it happen. We aren’t ready for doctors and drugs and more stress. I’ve let the “pressure” I perceived from family and society weigh on what society says I’m supposed to do or feel in this situation. I have reverted to only caring what everybody else thought. This is a new experience that I didn’t know how to navigate, and I still don’t. But what I do need to do, is focus on Eddie and me and what we want.

In addition to pregnancy, I’ve been questioning what I’m doing with my professional life. When I found Beachbody, I saw the normal goals to become a stay at home mom while building this amazing business. So I took that as my goal. But I shouldn’t have. What others want in life isn’t necessarily what I want in life. Yes, I’d love to be a stay at home mom, but I LOVE working. I love growing professionally. I put all that on hold for the probably that I’d be pregnant this month and have 9 months to quit to fulfill the stay at home role. And every month that I wasn’t pregnant I moved that probably right along with me. I was stressing myself out trying to fill needs where there weren’t any.

Eddie and I also talked about this. I took conversations in the past about being a stay at home mom as his requirement for me. I didn’t actually confirm that with him. After actually talking it through, that isn’t his requirement for me. He wants me to do what will make me and us happy. Not to follow some norm in the area we live in.

With all this stress I’ve brought upon myself, I’ve been eating more and more crap, justifying that I can afford it because I workout every morning. Um, yeah, no. I can’t afford it! I have started feeling like crap again!! I eat crap, I feel like crap! With feeling like crap, I haven’t wanted to talk to people. With stressing and letting things fester, I haven’t wanted to do anything. I haven’t known how to help others. I have been lost. I haven’t been able to give you my all.

So I’m evaluating where my business is going and how I can best help all of you. The best part is that none of us are perfect and my struggles help me to understand your struggles. As I’m evaluating and refocusing my priorities, look for big things to happen. I have a renewed fire in my life with the release of all this stress. I have a renewed focus.

Who am I? I am me. I am a woman of God who is married to an amazing man. I am transitioning to a new professional job that I am excited to start in the next couple weeks. I am a homeowner who enjoys working in my flower beds and garden and working to get our lawn healthy. I love working on our renovations and dreaming of where we are going to take them. I am a friend who is there no matter what. I am a health and fitness coach who loves helping others change their lives. I am me. No pregnancy (or lack thereof), job, or business defines who I am.

I am me.

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