Wishy Washy

Have you ever heard the phrase, “you are so wishy washy”? No? Just me? Okay. Well now you have.

This is how I’ve felt the past couple months. And I KNOW it probably looks like it too. I’ve been all over the place. I can’t decide what way is up half the time.

Here is what I do know – I am just trying to take care of me with my ever changing life.

Here is what life is like right now: I work odd hours (sometimes early morning, sometimes evening, sometimes both, and sometimes on Sundays), we are still one of the one in eight couples living with unexplained in fertility, I am trying to study for and obtain multiple certifications for my career, I found a career that I’ve been searching for for years, we are still happily married, I still workout and strive to lead a healthy life, and I am still a Beachbody Coach. Oh and we are still attending Mountain View Christian Assembly and we try to spend time with friends around my crazy schedule.

I feel wishy washy.

I have come to a conclusion – I can’t do it all and feel sane at the same time. I hit a point that I had to step back from as much as possible to regain a sense of self. As I’m gaining that sense of self again, I’m prioritizing what is important. I don’t feel like going into a list of what ranks where, but I will tell you that I’m adding the most important things back in, or they never were part of the release while I stepped back.

Two key points I do want to touch on: Beachbody and our infertility journey.

Yes, I am still a Beachbody Coach. No, I haven’t posted as much about it. I am working at figuring how this fits into my current life. Life changes and we must change with it. When I started Beachbody, I hated my job and then went through a few job changes over a couple years. Beachbody got me through that as well as connecting me with someone who helped me with my Endometriosis, helping me accept personal development and that I really needed it, finding my voice that I had buried so deeply, and finding my avenue for health and fitness in my life. I will forever be grateful and have absolutely no intentions of quitting. Maybe just realigning with my life. As of writing this, I still drink Shakeology every day, usually for breakfast, and I have started CORE DE FORCE over again. I am still helping those who come to me for advice, I’m just not hosting groups at this time.

That brings me to my infertility journey. Did you know that one in eight couples will encounter infertility? Well, you do now and we are one of them. We were diagnosed with unexplained infertility. That’s great! Um, no. Maybe?! Crap, I don’t know. Those are just some of the emotions that come with such a vague diagnosis. There is absolutely no reason why we shouldn’t have conceived already. No explanation. So we are trudging along through this. There is no guidebook. There are no definitive instructions. There is no definitive answer. We are coming to the point that we might start considering medical assistance. With this being such a personal endeavor, we are going to keep it that way until we are ready to share. I will share things here, but I’m not envisioning going into daily detail as we are doing anything. It will probably come after we have had time to process and accept.

This is a crazy life that we are living. God has plans for each and every one of us and we don’t know what those plans entail. I am slowly learning to take each day as it comes. This learning process is super difficult for me and can easily cause me to shut down on the exterior. I am in a growing period of my life and it isn’t easy. I hope to share more of the growing with you as I’m doing it. This will be my main communication point for all things of my life that will be shared publicly. I’m happy to converse with you, just reach out.

Change can be hard and scary, but it is a natural and necessary part of life. Trust that it is for your best life and best self. – Your Joyologist

When ‘When’ Turns to ‘If’

When two people are trying to get pregnant and have been diagnosed with unexplained infertility, the ‘when we have kids’ starts changing to ‘if we have kids’. It sounds quite depressing, but that is the story of life with infertility. It doesn’t mean we’ve given up. It doesn’t mean that we don’t think it will ever happen. It just means that we don’t know if it will – no matter how much praying we do or how much we believe it will (although that is tested too) or the availability of treatments.

As the months go on, my mind continues to run crazy with all kinds of different thoughts – positive, negative, and some somewhere in between. I don’t know if I’m alone in some of my thoughts or not, but I am sure there are some of you out there that have some similar thoughts. And the worst part about these thoughts? That we are afraid to share them with other people for fear that we’ll receive feedback we don’t want to hear. Infertility can be a lonely journey, even though there are two people involved.

I thought I might share some of my thoughts because I want you to know that you are not alone and I’m tired of hiding it all in. If you are family and you are reading this and are wondering why I haven’t talked directly to you about it, it’s because for me, it is easier for me to write out my thoughts than convey them in person. I’m really not good at conversation or talking about myself – haven’t you noticed?

It hasn’t been long enough for me to really call it infertility, right?

This is one that I’ve really struggled with. Medically, you are considered to be struggling with infertility if you haven’t conceived within 12 months if you are under 35 or six months if you are over 35. As of writing this post, we have been trying for 18 months. We have gone through the testing and have been medically diagnosed as struggling with unexplained infertility.

Even with that, when I say that or think about the term infertility, it doesn’t feel right. Maybe it is because I never thought I’d actually be one to hit this point. I also feel like our 18 months is not enough to be considered as struggling with infertility because there are so many out there who have been struggling for many more years. But then I have to remind myself that our journey isn’t their journey and there is no reason we should be compared.

I have no idea why I still struggle with feeling like it has been long enough to call it infertility. I have no idea when I’ll get past this. The reality is, we are struggling with infertility.

What if I just wanted kids because that is the normal thing to do?

Yeah, this thought has crossed my mind. Having that thought doesn’t mean that I am going to stop trying. It’s just one of those thoughts that comes during the journey. It comes with all the thoughts of what life could be without having kids – all those things that you wouldn’t ever be held back from because you have to worry about whether kids can go or that they’ll cost extra or that you can’t find sitters. There are so many possibilities for our lives without kids. Honestly, this has helped me to understand why some people decide not to have kids. I was one of those who couldn’t fathom how people didn’t want kids. I get it now. But I still want my own, even if this thought crosses my mind.

Why am I broken?

When struggling with unexplained infertility, you aren’t necessarily broken. I preface unexplained because I have no experience with having a cause for infertility and I don’t want to pretend that I do.

This is one of my biggest struggles. Even though it is unexplained, it is my body that isn’t making it happen, after all, I’m the one that needs everything to work within me. So yeah, I feel broken. It is not a feeling that I can really explain other than with the word broken. When hormones hit the worst and I have my worst days, this is where my mind goes the most.

Even though I know that I’m not broken, it is difficult not to go there. It is a thought that will probably haunt me until we do get pregnant. Which leads me to…

What if we don’t ever get pregnant?

Yeah, that’s a frequent thought too. Most people will ask about adoption or fertility treatments at this point. We get that you want those answers and don’t understand our decisions, but this thought is still valid. Yes, we are still early in our infertility journey. Yes, we still have time before my hormones start changing for menopause. But, there is always the question, how long do we try? What if we don’t have kids? What if my body never conceives? What if?

These are questions that come along with the over-arching question and the answers for each couple vary and each couple most likely changes their answers over time. No matter what, until we conceive, this will always be a thought.

Quickly, on the topic of adoption, that is not in our cards right now, and fertility treatments are a thought for the future, but the hormones can cause my Endometriosis to start growing again and bring back the pain that was the cause for my surgery in May 2015 so we aren’t ready to go down that road. That could change at any time, but that is the answer as of today.

What is she was right? What if I would be a horrible mom?

She will not be named. This family member told many people that I would be a horrible mom. This coupled with my upbringing not being so great, I have this thought so very often. It is a difficult thought to get over and has caused me many, many bouts of crying. It doesn’t help that I see so many amazing parents who do so much for their children that I would never have thought to do or even know about. I struggle with this every time I see all these amazing parents.

I don’t have any answers for this one. This is my biggest struggle during this journey. All I know is that I’m not my parents and no parent is perfect. Yes, there are horrible moms out there, but I know that I won’t be one of them. And by horrible I mean seriously horrible and shouldn’t be able to raise kids. But, that is how my family member referred to me (this is one of many reasons I do not associate with that person).

If we don’t have kids, don’t do everything we possibly can, and don’t adopt, we’ll be letting our family down.

Oh yeah, I have this one too. There is no history for this thought or detail needed. It is a simple, standard thought. What I do know is, if we end up not having kids, that is our business and our decision and there is no reason that we would let anyone down. That just isn’t even something that should be considered. It is, but it shouldn’t. Our family should support us no matter what, and if they don’t, that is their business.

These are only some of the thoughts that plague my infertility journey. I know there are more, I just can’t think of them right now.

You are not alone in your infertility journey. You probably have some similar thoughts. You are normal for having these thoughts. So many people try to help us have a more positive outlook and try to get us not to think about any of these things at all. By not trying to think about them, we leave ourselves sitting ducks for major breakdowns. I personally believe that we have to explore our thoughts, no matter whether they are negative or positive, so we don’t go into major breakdowns or into depression. The key is not to dwell on the negative thoughts. Hard to do, but possible.

If you are struggling with major breakdowns or depression through your infertility journey, please talk to someone. Reach out, you are not alone.

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As I sit here….

….watching the today show cuddling with my puppies and drinking my Shakeology, I wanted to put words to the last few months of 2016 and my sentiments for 2017.

So many people consider 2016 a crappy or horrible year. I am definitely not in love with it, but I have a difficult time saying it was horrible. I am definitely glad it is over though. A good word to sum up 2016 would be lost.

I kept feeling like I was getting ahead of myself and my fears, but in reality all I was doing was taking two steps forward and four steps back.

Professionally 2016 started off rough but ended the best it ever has. I was definitely lost trying to find my place in the professional world – but I found it. You know that image you used to get when you thought about growing up and having a job/career that you would get? I finally found the job that fits that image and it is so refreshing, challenging, and enriching. It only took two years to get into this position with this exact company, but it is so worth it.

I see big things happening for 2017 with my career. I love my project management position in technology and I am encouraged to better myself. I will be getting a few certifications in the first quarter that will help me to advance in my career. When I think about going to work, I can’t wait to learn more and be the best I can be.

I have been very involved with our church and have taken a step back. With this and with other things, I made them so much of a duty that I felt I couldn’t have variation. I had to take a step back to take care of me and rediscover my love for our church. People have noticed our occasional absence and lack of extra-curricular participation. We aren’t leaving and aren’t lost in our faith. We are doing it our way with allowing for ourselves not to be perfect. Yes, I struggled with needing to be the perfect Christian and attend church every Sunday and be over-committed to show my dedication. This is not necessary and I’m taking steps to take care of me and my faith and my struggle with appearing perfect. I just want to be normal.

Emotionally 2016 has been a great struggle. I started 2016 off with new braces that affected my self-image, as well as with fatigue that just kept kicking my ass over and over again. We also had decided to become foster parents along with having our own children (both of these carried over from 2015).

Well……at the end of 2016, we decided to let our foster care license lapse as we are officially in the world of unexplained infertility. Testing has shown there is no medical reason why we have not been able to conceive. We were told so many times “it will happen when you bring the foster child into your home.” For some that may be true, but for us, we don’t feel that we want to bring a child who already may not feel wanted, into our home where we are struggling with having our own baby. We just feel that these kids deserve more than we have to offer right now. This decision isn’t a decision to never foster, it is a decision for not right now.

There are infertility treatment options, some not invasive, that we have been offered. We have not yet decided to try any method as the ovulation boosters increase estrogen which can increase the growth of endometriosis lesions. That is a difficult decision to make.

Throughout the infertility journey we have been told multiple things. Things that are helpful and things that are not. If I were to give you any advice for speaking to someone who is trying to have a baby I would say:

  • don’t ask every month if they are pregnant, even if they are just starting to try (that is a LOT of pressure and can make them feel like a failure every month they say no)
  • stop telling them that it just takes time to get the birth control out of the system – no, it doesn’t take as long as is commonly thought, especially not years
  • stop telling them “it will happen when you least expect it”
  • stop telling them that it just isn’t time
  • don’t tell them just to adopt – that isn’t for everyone and it definitely isn’t cheap
  • don’t act like it is faux pas to talk about and avoid the topic all together

I know there are so many lists of what to do and what not to do with couples struggling with infertility, and it actually changes depending on the couple. If you aren’t sure, just ask them.

Many women struggle with seeing or hearing pregnancy announcements when they are struggling with infertility. For me, I work really hard not to be one of the women who just can’t be told. I mean, I work REALLY hard. But no matter how hard I try, it seems to still bother me when I least expect it. And for anyone women who is in this struggle with me, the days before a period when our hormones are adjusting is the worst. That is when it is the most difficult for me each month. That is when I want to just hide and not come out until it passes. For instance, I have always wanted a boy and a girl. The other night, I came to a realization that I have a boy dog and a girl dog and maybe that is all I get. Yeah, that went through my mind. We all have thoughts that kick us when we least expect it. But we get back up and keep going. We haven’t given up on having our own children. I haven’t given up. Not yet.

Oh and the braces. I got comfortable with how I looked in them for most of the year, then they started adding space so I can get crowns on my front teeth and now I have gaps that I’ve never had and can’t properly pronounce my f’s and s’s. I know I chose to get braces and it will be worth it in the end, but when my emotions are already raw, it is difficult to be happy with my own smile. I’m just counting down the months until these things are off and I can get the crowns that will fix those gaps.

So yes, 2016 has been an emotional roller coaster for me. I’m praying and working hard for 2017 to be better.

But 2016 wasn’t all bad. Eddie and I are still happily married and we are still growing as a couple. Our home is still our home and we are provided for. We have family that loves us and have found friends that make up our own little family out here. 2016 brought growing friendships that are so dear to me, both here and far away. We are both advancing our careers and are happy with them.

2016 also brought both of us better health. We both work on our nutrition and workout. That is part of our life that may experience breaks, but will not be going away anytime soon.

On that note, yes, I am still a Beachbody Coach, but I am figuring out what that means for me. I know that I am still dedicated to helping others change their health and life the way mine has. I will not be quitting this anytime soon. This is one of those things that I’ve been re-evaluating over the past couple of months and will continue to change to fit my life as my life changes.

2017 will bring us some changes. We are going to buckle down and spend less while also working on keeping progress going on our home and our health. We do plan to camp a lot more this summer and explore our beautiful state and parks.

We are looking forward to 2017 and my motto will definitely be moving forward and growing. Also, not giving into fears.

So after a big, long ramble, I want to encourage you to take some time to reflect on 2016 and what you want out of 2017. Take care of you, mind, body, and spirit. You’ve got this!! I’ve got this! We can live our best lives and the fabulous lives that we’ve always envisioned. It just takes a little work and reflection.

Cheers to 2017!

Live for Me, Live for Us

In my last post I shared that we are dealing with infertility. At least, infertility by society and medical timelines. And by mindset.

We have absolutely decided not to pursue any fertility treatments at this time.

Part of the journey to get tested and get answers was due to being lost in life. Not knowing what our immediate future was holding. Or even our far out future.

Since realizing that there are no medical explanations for why we have not yet conceived, life has been easier and more free.

I’ve also found more direction in life than I’ve had in a long time.

You see, the past year and a half has been spent living to get pregnant. Stressing about all the do’s and don’ts, should’s and should not’s. Reading all the articles that tell me what to avoid and how to go perfectly into the trying to conceive journey. Hearing friends tell me that maybe I don’t have enough fat on my body to conceive. Worrying about letting family down because they were expecting us to have a baby. Not fitting in with different groups of friends because we don’t have kids. Getting the evil eye for being married more than a year, more than two years and not having children yet.

In the past couple of weeks, my world has been turned upside down and right-side up.

I was so focused on living for getting pregnant and having a baby and being the perfect mother-to-be, I actually lost myself in the process. I couldn’t see it at the time, but now I do.

Everything I was working on to grow who I am, wasn’t actually doing as much as I thought. I wasn’t focused on me. I was focused on the not yet real.

In the past couple of weeks, I cried, I panicked, I felt even more lost, then I felt free. So much emotion, so much direction.

I am no longer living to conceive. I am not focused on tracking every little symptom. I am not focused on having the perfect amount of body fat or the perfect diet. I’m not focused on what will happen within the nine months ahead of me if I conceive this month. I’m not focused on what I need to do right now if I am in the two week wait.

I am focused on me. I am focused on us. I want to grow and learn to be unapologetically me. I talk about this and I inspire you to be this person. But I was so focused on conceiving, I wasn’t focused on it fully for myself.

After talking it out, multiple times, and crying it out with Eddie (rest assured, Eddie was not crying), we have come up with the goals and dreams that we are focusing on.

Eddie – he is the simple one.  He is continuing to focus on work and advancing himself. He wants to keep working on the basement and our renovations as we can. He loves tinkering and will keep doing so. Luckily, even though this does affect him, it wasn’t as bad as it was for me. Men…..they get it WAY easier.

Me – I am focusing on me and Eddie. I am growing emotionally and physically. I am living unapologetically me. I am no longer letting myself worry about the what ifs of conceiving or what people may think about me. I am being me. I am focusing on my business. I am tired of other people determining my value and assigning a salary based on that. I have the goal to grow my business and quit corporate employment in December 2017. That is my goal. If I don’t quite hit it, I will keep working towards it and set a new one. I want to grow my business in helping others change their lives. I know that I have been called to do so and that there are others like me who need someone to show them the love that I have to give. I am letting myself go to workout as I want and as hard as I want. I want to gain strength and continue to tone the damage I did for so many years. I am going to enjoy the process and not worry about it.

We know that God has plans for us. I fully believe that I am finally understanding part of His plan. God is directing me to fully find me before He gives us a tiny human to care for. We need our own identify before we have children. I appreciate this journey because I don’t want to be defined only by my children.

God has a plan, this I believe. We believe that His plan for us does include children. We just don’t know when and we are okay with that.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

​When Life Doesn’t Go As Planned

At the beginning of 2015, we had this perfect plan for our lives. I was in a great job that I loved and was providing the necessary income to pull us out of debt, so was Eddie. ​We decided to start family planning by me no longer taking birth control pills and cleaning out my system for six months.

​Then the Endometriosis pain became unbearable and surgery was scheduled for May. Surgery came and went and we were ready to start. Then I got laid off because the company was cutting costs.

It took me 3 months to find a replacement job that was a drastic pay cut. The people were great, the job was good, the pay was not so good. But, it was better than nothing.

Oh and we are still trying to start our family.​

​We get through the holidays and have our niece up for Thanksgiving. We saw a Wednesday’s Child that touched my heart and our niece told us that she thought we would be great for the girl and that we should do it. This was our third prompting to become foster parents. So, after much discussion and deliberation, we started the process.

We finally got licensed in March, just in time to be considered for the girl. After receiving more details on her history, we knew it wouldn’t be the right fit for us or for her. We pulled our names.

Oh and we are still trying to start our family.​

We received a few other calls that weren’t the fit until one that we weren’t ready for and went all in for. He was a safe haven premature baby. We were up against another family who was selected because of her ability to take off 7 months to be with him. I was crushed.

At this point we decided since we have been trying for over a year to conceive without any success, we would get tested to see if there was anything medically wrong.

A lot of thought went into the decision to get tested. Originally, neither of us wanted to for another 6 months or so. But with my hormonal roller coasters and fatigue, we figured why not.

With the heartache of not being selected for the baby and my hormonal mess, we put foster care on hold and started the testing process.

We have finally come to the end of testing with the answer of unexplained infertility. The answer is that there is no answer. We both had great test results. 

​July was my worst month. And since then, I just felt like I didn’t know what to say to all of you. I felt as though I couldn’t connect because we weren’t sharing the process of testing. We wanted answers so we could make decisions before sharing with the world. We didn’t even tell family until last night.

Today we are in a good place. I have finally bounced back from July. Yes, it took me two months and a lot of focused self-development to get here.​ But we have answers and we have decisions.

Answer: You have to give birth control time to get out of your system.

Answer back to you: It has been 21 months since I stopped taking birth control pills. That is NOT the issue.

Answer​: ​We have no medical reasons why we cannot get conceive. ​

Decision: Carry on as usual.

Answer: We can take hormonal prescriptions to assist the changes.

Decision: Mmmm, the jury is still out on that, but it probably won’t happen right away, if it does.

Answer: As soon as we get a foster child, we’ll conceive.

Decision: Thank you for all of the well-wishes with this and the history with other families. We are actually keeping foster care on hold for the time being. We do not feel that it is fair to a child who needs stability to come into our home when we are unsure of our future and there could be crazy hormonal mood swings (if we decide to do that). We came to the point that God has brought us and we feel this is the best decision right now.

Moving Forward

As we move forward, we believe with all our hearts that God does have a family planned for us. His plans are just different than our plans. We are perfectly okay with this.

To all my friends who are working to get pregnant or plan to soon, enjoy the process and please tell me when you are pregnant. I am a little different. I don’t get hurt or mad when others announce that they are expecting. I’m not going to lie, yes it was hard at first. We expected to be like the rest of his family and not take any time. So at first, I was jealous. I couldn’t see why others were getting what they wanted but we weren’t. I’m okay now. After a lot of prayer and a long process of learning that I’m not broken, I have no issues with it. Seriously. In fact, I have many friends who are actively trying and I pray for them every single day that they will be blessed with conceiving and I can’t wait for them to tell me that they are.

Now to the broken comment. Yes. Yes, I felt absolutely broken. Even after learning that there is nothing medically wrong with me, I felt broken. This has taken a lot of prayer and devotion to overcome. I feel confident that I am moving forward without the feeling of being broken. Being asked every month if I am pregnant yet, really made it difficult and aided in the feeling of being broken. I’ve come to terms with that. Yes, I will talk about it. Yes, you can ask, just not every month. 

On another note, I am still struggling with the fact that people in this world, and people close in blood relation, who should not have children, have been given children. Multiple children. Children that they abort. Children that they abuse. Children that they don’t raise with any manners or education. Yes, I struggle with this one. Especially knowing that I have a sibling who had an abortion when I would and could have taken the child. I still struggle with the ‘why them and not me’ feeling. I’m working really hard to get over this.

We are one of the 1 in 8 couples dealing with infertility. Since we are past a year, we are considered to be dealing with it. Ours happens to be unexplained. No, they don’t think my Endometriosis is a factor at the moment. No, my working out is not a factor. In fact, I have been going pretty light compared to what I want to do. No, alcohol isn’t a factor, I don’t usually even have 3 drinks a week anymore.​

There is a meme on Pinterest that says “I just wish that I knew with 100% certainty if I am ever going to have a baby or not so I could move on with my life.” I no longer feel that way. I did, for many months. I don’t. I have come to the point that I know I will be happy in life either way. Our conversation has not changed from “when” to “if”, it is still “when”.

Why Share Now?

I wanted to share this with you now because I know I am not the only one struggling. I am not the only one at this point in life. I want you to know that YOU are not alone. I am here to talk if you just need someone to talk.

Jesus replied, “You don’t understand now what I am doing but someday you will.” John 13:7


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